what i am to you is not real.
summer nights chill me to the very core. to my insides, all stitched and impaled. i do not cope well with happiness, with sunshine. bring on the rain. and yet, the company i keep are oozing sunshine, they sparkle and shine - they are warmth. it’s cold without you. i am cold without you. there are moments in the autumn that i am truly content in my being. i stop and pause and smile, because there is nothing else that could even come close to expressing the everything that is that moment. i am content, but i am yet to feel infinite. and i fear i never will. winter brings silence, reflection, pause – a break in the monotony and a chance to be reborn. i feel as if i have died and lived a dozen times in this lifetime, each time different to the last. i am grateful for that, but i am scared for what the next turn brings. spring ricochets in with a breath of new life. for me it means change. another chance, another moment. but the dull ache of summer still pulls at my bones. || the metaphors spill as easily as oxygen from my lips (in out in out) but they’re silent against the constant babble of living. i am not ashamed of who i am or what i could be, but trust me, you won’t understand. it is far easier to let them fall, unheard against broken streets than to explain in a rushed apology of notquitesorry’s. i can’t stop who i am, but i can quieten myself until rain falls and silence crawls like a welcome lover through open windows and into my heart. it is in these moments that i understand what it is like to be me. and when the rain stops, and the puddles fade away, i am learning to remember the smell. it is enough for now. enough for always
Last night the rain was thudding down and I think I came alive. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote, and I don't know what it all means but it is there. And then, when words failed me, a created; dull artworks set to the tone of damien rice and the aura of the rain. I smiled last night. I was free last night.
And now, in case anyone is interested - a poem, that I haven't decided if I like.
On second thoughts, I don't like it. But I won't change it because I'm far too lazy and the moment is gone.